Naps

So I'm thinking about how this week has gone. 

I came into work earlier in the week, before I started on Tuesday I broke down completely. I cried walking into town. And I cried when I got to the office. I stayed for an hour, as I got panicked and felt sick and weak.

Yesterday I still didn't feel right. So I stayed home again.

But today I managed to last till the end. Everything went ok. Yes I had a moment or two where I had to step out, take my breath and sort my head out. But I did it. Everyone at work has been supportive, non judgemental and just generally lovely.  

The fear I had with being here is so hard to explain. I feel safe at home and I feel safe with my family and friends, and I want to feel like I did before with work too.

Taking small steps. 

But I do miss naps.

Looking forwards.

I'm currently signed off work, by my doctor, with depression.

I hope to return after the weekend. I've had so much time off, and I really need to face my fears and get back to normal. It's ever so complicated, but I am determined to go back and stay back.

I have some positive things to look forward to, and I hope they keep me going.

 We are going to a friends wedding reception tomorrow night. I'm excited as it is the first wedding we will have attended together without J.

Me and Hubby are staying in a cute b&b, should be a nice weekend. So tonight I could have gone to the pub as we are child free. But I have decided to stay in now and save my energy for tomorrow.

Hopefully we are also off on a mini holiday in August to The Netherlands.

 I also am hoping to return into education after a long time later this year! I need a goal, I need a career I love. I need to do this for me.

Married life is all goood :) It's weird having a new surname, but I smile every-time I have to write it, say it or see it :) Love our family all being the same.

All Change

So this morning I posted about my depression and my unmotivated self, which was inspired by the best one, as she is into her blogging,  but also we had a discussion that I need to focus on something and really do something for myself. Something I want.

I'd been toying with the idea of going back into education so I can get into Social work/Nursing or Midwifery (like I said I don't know exactly what my chosen career path is yet, but its a step in the direction) so I spent all afternoon and early evening looking at local Access to Higher Education courses, I found something suitable and can easily start in time after school drop off too.

Although I have to wait for them to email me back within 3 days, and then there will be more formal and causal interviews to secure a place, I'm feeling determined to do it. I think I need it.

Hubby is fully in support, he has been telling me to do something I want to do for years. Hopefully now I will.

I'm trying to work out what is going on in my head

So after spending an evening at my besties house, I was encouraged to start blogging again.

What about? I've got my Southsea Mum handle that I use on Twitter, and used to blog lots with, but I don't want to just blog about being a mum in Southsea. Life is more than just the fact I'm a mother.

So I'm going to talk about anything I like.

Starting with some issues I currently have. Since last year a few things happened in my life that were, without a doubt, the most upsetting and life changing events ever.

If you know me then you will know that my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and he passed away within a few months of me finding out.

Matt and I were due to get married and my dad started to realise and so did I that he wasn't going to make it.
We talked about moving the wedding, but I didn't want the day to be about my dad, it was our day, and of course it would be amazing if he made it to next year, but I had to face facts that he might not. We decided to leave the wedding date where it was.

So he didn't make it to the wedding. In the months following his death I didn't deal with it very well. I became anxious, run down and depressed. More so that just normal grief, they sometimes call it complicated grief. (I feel that it started as soon as I found out his diagnosis was terminal)

Depression is such a hard thing to explain. I have days when everything is normal and I'm randomly motivated to do normal things, but I have very tricky days, when I can't even explain how I feel, it's not always sadness and crying. It's too tricky to write how I have felt.

I had a big up just before the wedding, so in January I went back to work, feeling positive about the wedding and the plans were starting to come together, I didn't even feel that sad about the fact my dad wouldn't be there. I felt good.

We had an amazing wedding

But I shall save that for another post.

After the wedding I felt ok. A bit full of the adrenaline I think the week after! Then I started to get down again. Started to feel uneasy, started to feel very confused with everything, I think there may be issues there with how I was about my dad not being there, I know it can't be helped and nothing can be changed, but I hate that he wasn't there to see me, wasn't there to walk me down the aisle, wasn't there to see me with my tiara (that he wanted me to wear).

So I'm feeling unmotivated by life again. I'm dreading work too. I feel uneasy going into the office, I feel unmotivated to go to work.

I get up everyday and I take Jared to school. I clean and sort the house a little everyday, but mainly I catch up on sleep. Sleeping at night fully has been robbed from me. Either from my mental state (or more likely my meds)

I'm signed off work currently, and at my next appointment my doctor (last time we spoke was on the phone, so couldn't do it then) wants to see about changing my antidepressants to see if it helps with my mood and sleep.

I still have days when I'm happy of course, and I still enjoy time with my family and close friends. I am dealing with this in my own slow way. Not everyone will understand it.

I have issues with what do I want to do with my life. I don't know what motivates me anymore, I'm not sure I ever did. I feel very lost, and I'm hoping starting to write again might just help me. It's worth a try.

I love Matt and Jared, and my family and friends have been so supportive, work have been supportive too, when I have gone in they have always shown support. I feel bad for letting them all down when it's been busy, I just can't snap out of it or even explain it properly.

Jared B

Jared B, a photo by Kat-er-rina on Flickr.

March, on the way home from school :)

Sharing a link - Timeline of a Breastfed Baby

Had to share this link :) Great timeline of breastfeeding, lots of useful advice along the way!

The Alpha Parent: Timeline of a Breastfed Baby:

Some things that bug me

I felt like having a rant today, about all the things that get on my nerves. You may not agree with the things I say, but this is my opinion. Mostly parenting related irks!

I'm going to start with baby dummies. I hate them. They interfere with breastfeeding, so annoying to see a baby who is being breastfed with a dummy, and then the mum to moan about having trouble feeding - so don't use a dummy? Even worse is kids older than 2/3 still using dummies. I understand that if you use them its your choice, and you have to fight that battle for your child to stop using them one day too, but I personally don't like them and think they look gross!!!

Bottles. Well not bottles exactly - Its about mums that don't try but first I want to talk about formula and breastfeeding - THIS IS ALL IN MY OPINION! Please don't take offence!

 Yes formula feeding saves lives - without it many babies would starve. So in that sense its a wonderful invention - But that's all it is, a recent invention. We have managed to survive since life began without the need for artificial milk. I still appreciate the fact that many mums have health issues (which is why I guess we used to have wet-nurses) so will use formula and that's fine. I totally understand the fact that breastfeeding for some is hard, it can hurt, it is not always as simple as the NCT or attachment parenting articles make it out to be. There are so many things that can effect breastfeeding, and all those issues are totally understandable, and acceptable, formula saves babies from being hungry, and saves a lot of mums from pain.
 In fact I think bottle feeding is harder than breastfeeding, sterilising bottles at all hours, making sure you take milk out with you, etc. I applaud mums who use bottles for those reasons!

Luckily I had it easy, I was very lucky to have a good start with feeding. But I also had such a mindset about how I was going to feed my baby that I didn't even buy bottles or have formula in the house - I had a manual breast-pump someone gave me, which came with some bottles (no teats), but they got left hidden away in a cupboard (until one day I did attempt to manually pump, but got a dribble out after about 10 mins of pumping!)

 Jared was underweight anyway when born (tiny 5lbs 1) and the hospital made me stay in longer than I wanted to he also lost weight after birth, he was also very yellow (Jaundiced). I did worry they would make me use a bottle, but nobody ever mentioned it.
 There was one point where they hooked me up to a machine I can only describe as being like a cows milking pump and all they got was a tiny bit of yellowy liquid out which they said was like gold, and was amazing. I had a few doubts!  I had great midwife's they helped me get it right in hospital and I'm so grateful for that hospital stay now - I hated it at the time, just wanted to be home! Jared eventually put on weight - very slowly. I saw the health visitor and doctor at his 8 week check. I was still breastfeeding - I didn't have his weight checked again professionally in-till he was about 2 year old. I breastfed my son for 10/11 months, he had some solid food from 5 months, and more and more as he got bigger and moved straight onto cows milk at 11 months as he wasn't feeding as much with milk, was eating more solid foods so got all his goodness from food by that stage. (which is still somehow controversial as formula/breast-milk is advised for the first year, and solid food from 6 months, but this is still recent advice). I used a lot of my own judgement when it came to feeding my son.

 I think my experience with easy breastfeeding sometimes clouds my judgement about formula feeding - I'm honest about this though. I enjoyed feeding my son myself. It saved me a lot of money too! I also had no health issues with him in the first few years of his life. I may have deprived myself of any kind of decent sleep pattern and never went out. I fed him in public rarely, but I did it when I had to. I stayed at home a lot for those first 10 months mostly (except for family and friends homes). I cherish that first year. Breastfeeding didn't stop my partner bonding with his son either! - much the same as formula feeding wouldn't have stopped either of us having that "magical" bond you apparently get through breastfeeding. He fed from me and also mostly slept on me for those first few months. I became his food and his dummy! His sleep became an issue because of the feeding! He wouldn't sleep on his own I had to rock him to sleep (or feed him to sleep) each time he woke - and I did till he was a year old then had to do horrible controlled crying, which was the hardest think ever, but it worked!

 But I still stand by the fact that if breastfeeding is making your life a misery then use formula, don't let your baby go hungry or your nipples feel like they are falling off!

My problem is the mums that make no effort to even try and breastfeed. The mums that don't even consider it. The mums that don't want to breastfeed because they think its weird, or think that boobs are sexual and that's it! The mums who think there boobs will be ruined because of feeding (come on you were pregnant they already did a lot of stretching then!) The mums who don't try. The mums who most likely could feed, but just don't even attempt it, the ones who think it will be too much hard work! Come on who wants to make up bottles at all hours of the day, do sterilizing and warming up milk in the middle of the night, when you can just pop them on a boob and its on tap all the time! (yes I know its not that simple, but at least give it a go first, Even if its only for the first few weeks or days!!!)
I also hate seeing toddlers with bottles - especially over a year 1/2 old with juice in a bottle! Use a beaker, a cup and straw, whatever, milk is for bottles not everything else when they are that age!

I know I don't have a baby any more and these particular  issues don't effect me right now, but its how I feel. Its my opinion!

I have another ranty blog to write - But I'll save that for another day!!

The water goes..

I'm having a nice hot bubbly bath this morning to make myself feel better, and in walks Jared

Jared - Is that water dirty?
Me - No.
Jared - Thats good because when it goes down that hole (the overflow hole) it will give the water to other people and come out their taps.
Me - Don't think that's how it works Jared.

Blogging again and Christmas :)

I'm not going to promise to start blogging again. No point I won't stick to it (trying reverse psychology here...haha)

Not blogged for a while and I don't want to start writing about what's happened in life the last year..not a massive amount - except Jared starting school - but I plan to write about that in a post sometime soon. I feel like I need an outlet to write at the moment. So back to the blog.

1st of November, and I've already started my Christmas shopping. I'll be told off for writing about Xmas seeing as its the fiancés birthday in 8 days, I'm not allowed to start my Christmas planning officially till after that! But I started a few months ago organizing the type of gifts I want to give to people. I'm very excited about my ideas. Anyone that follows me on Pinterest will know I've been collecting ideas for a while on Xmas gifts. This is the first year I've really put a lot of thought into gifts - usually I'm quite stuck and get everything from Boots, except for the odd special present for close family and friends.

Today I went to Gunwarf and found some fab bargains in outlet stores. Cath Kidston and Paperchase particularly, 2 shops I adore but think can be a little pricey  so only buy things in the sales. I've also been buying odds and ends from Ebay. Internet shopping beats real shopping for me any-day, only because I hate crowds, if shops could always be empty and without staff asking if I need any help I would be fine - and if shops wouldn't be boiling hot inside when its cold out. I really don't like shopping.

I brought this cute little gift bag today, from Paperchase - So cute. Wish I had some sewing skills so I could make some.

Snow

I really really really really want it to snow this weekend.

Jared has been on about snow since before Xmas. He actually thought it wouldn't be Christmas until it snowed. We explained and I think he understands that we don't always have a white Christmas.

I want the snow for me too! I love it.

Just updated my Day Zero list

Here it is updated, Green highlighted means I've completed it! Red failed, and any other colour is like nearly done..

Start Date 3rd January 2011
End Date 30th September 2013

A day zero list or also known at 101 in 1001. Basically is a list of 101 things I would like to achieve over 1001 days.
Maybe it will get me off my butt more often. I'm finding it hard just to think of 101 things so just the list is going to be a challenge to start with!
I hope to blog about the things I do and link them back to this post with links and pictures etc so I can keep track, and there may be times when the things on the list turn out to be a bit harder than I planned and I will notate when I feel I cant finish that goal.

Also these are in a random order! I just am writing them as I think of them!

1. Lose 10lbs
2. Take Jared to the Blue Reef Aquarium - 22/02/2011 Did this for his 3rd birthday
3. Take Jared to the zoo (Matts parents have done this but I want to take him too) We all went to Marwell in August
4. Give away/sell some of Jareds old toys Gave a load of toys away to a friend
5. Get Jared into a nursery/pre school and sort school applications out Done Dec 2011 (he already goes to nursery, just did his school applications!
6. Move into a bigger house
7. Teach Jared to draw a face
8. Start only having one sugar in my tea and actually like it! 08/01/11 - Not had more than one sugar in my tea all week. Doing well so crossed it off :D
9. Get married
10. Toilet train Jared to wee on the big toilet and standing up He wee's on the big loo, but not standing yet 06/02/11
11. Go to the cinema with Matt (ive not been for years!)
12. Put my photos in photo albums
13. Put photos in photo frame clock Done this and its on the wall thanks to Matt (06/01/11)
14. Explore more shops along Albert Road
15. Buy a dining table and chairs
16. Eat food at the table as a family once a week
17. Keep up with my 365 photo project  - Nearly done
18. Go on the Wii Fit for 2 hours (total over the week) at least every week
19. Drink more water - have a week off tea and just drink water all week
20. Have a nice garden and plant some nice flowers
21. Have a car boot sale
22. Sell something on Ebay
23. Go to the science museum (London) with Matt and Jared
24. Have a family holiday with Matt and Jared (in the UK)
25. Get a passport
26. Have a holiday abroad
27. Teach Jared his ABC's Knows them all!
28. Teach Jared to count to 20 Done
29. Get a decent mobile phone! Something touchscreen! Got a HTC Hero from my lovely Fiancé as he got a brand new HD Desire
30. Buy a new house phone Feb 2011
31. Cook a homemade meal for the family with plenty left to freeze once a fortnight
32. Get a DVD/Blu-ray/games stand/rack
33. Get several decent bookcases
34. Donate blood
35. Go on a picnic
36. Get my legs and other parts waxed
37. Pay to have my haircut at a salon - Had it done by a hairdresser in my house, and paid...that counts!
38. Write a list of 100 things that make me happy
39. Go to Cornwall and sit on a sandy beach
40. Finish listening to my Lord of The Rings audiobook
41. Bake a cake (not just fairy cakes)
42. Get promoted at work or apply for something else that's not what I currently do! - Changed jobs!!! August 2011
43. Spend a more days out with friends that have children so Jared can socialise (and me)!
44. Go and visit my older brother
45. Take Jared for a walk in some woods
46. Go swimming
47. Go to story time or song time with Jared at the library once a month
48. Have a professionally family photo taken and purchased
49. Do all my Christmas 2011 shopping before December - Didnt finish it all before Dec
50. Get a bike and go on bike rides with Jared and Matt
51. Run the Race for life (or walk it) Done it July 2011 :) In a god time, was 38 mins!
52. Raise money for charity See above raised over £100
53. Teach Jared to read - He can read a lot of letters, and can read his name :)
54. Register with a dentist
55. Buy some wellington boots
56. Let my natural hair colour grow out
57. Have a day out with my younger brothers
58. Wear an earring in my 2nd pierced hole
59. Finish Jareds babybook
60. Have a night every fortnight with Matt with no computers on, just watching a film together - We do usually have a TV/Film night every week :)
61. Go to Petersfield Lake with Jared and Matt
62. Go to Porchester castle with Jared and Matt
63. Have a day out at the Isle of Wight
64. Go on a hovercraft
65. Have our carpets cleaned
66. Take Jared to play football on Southsea Common
67. Take Jared to a soft play centre again at least 5 times
68. Have a nice meal out with Matt
69. Do something special for mine and Matt's 5 year anniversary We had a weekend of getting drunk, that's special enough for me!
70. Throw Jared a birthday party
71. Draw a picture once a month
72. Get photos printed every month
73. Tell Matt I love him everyday
74. Display Jared's artwork somewhere at home
75. Have a night out with friends once every 3 months
76. Buy a new coat - November 2011
77. Fly a kite with Jared - We did this in Summer 2011
78. Take Jared to the fairground
79. Teach Jared to write his name
80. Paint my nails once every fortnight - Failing this one
81. Design my tattoo
82. Get a tattoo
83. Walk from Eastney to Clarence Pier with Jared in the summer
84. Upload Jared's photos he takes with his camera
85. Don't turn on my laptop for one whole week - DID THIS WHEN IT BROKE 2011 sometime!
86. have a day out shopping with my best friend Leigh in Brighton
87. Get my bra size properly measured at a bra shop rather than just guessing
88. Take vitamins everyday FAILED!
89. Go to the pub with just my mum
90. Spend more time with my dad
91. Get to the bottom of the never ending laundry
92. Get rid/sell the big pushchair and have Jared walk everywhere
93. Sort out the cupboard of stuff in the hallway (mine and Matt's years of hoarding)
94. Take Jared to a panto
95. Reorganize the living room
96. Give some clothes to charity
97. Only have chip shop chips once a month
98. Only have one other takeaway once a month
99. Own a dishwasher
100. Visit natural history museum (London)
101. Go to a festival (been too many years since I have)

Jared singing the ACB song

25 years young

I can't believe I just turned 25. Doesn't feel like I'm a grown up some days, in my head I still feel like a 16 year old.

When I was a kid I had this idea that at 25 years old I would be married and then start having children. I'm lucky as I already have the most beautiful son.  I'm engaged to Matt and love him so much. So I'm nearly there already!
We are slowly making wedding plans! I have lots of ideas. Setting a date is the hard part. and trying to save to pay for a wedding is a very slow progress. We will get married one day and I don't think it is as important as I used to think it was. We love each other and live like we are married but our names are not the same - but they will be one day.

I had a great birthday, got stupidly drunk on the first night of the weekend and spent the rest of it regretting getting drunk when I had planned another night out the next day! The 2nd night out was supposed to be the bigger night out, but I didn't feel like being out at all. I did still go out and have a lot of drinks. Had really fun times with my best friend. The in-laws had Jared from Friday to Monday it was so nice to have some time to myself, even it I spent all of it walking around like a zombie! Matt was away at a festival, which I said he could go to as I didn't really want to go that particular festival. On the Sunday (my actual birthday) I really missed him lots, it was so odd being away from him and Jared for a whole weekend.

I need to blog more, I say this every time I write a blog. I get serious writing blocks.

Jelly Belly

Sitting here waiting for 8.50am to roll around and to take Jared to nursery, then I'm off to the shops to buy some fresh fruit and bacon! 

So yesterday I decided it was time to start eating a bit healthier - I know bacon doesn't sound like the healthiest choice, but in the way I'm choosing to eat its the best for me. I'm doing my own version of Atkins or a low carb diet. I don't like to really call it a diet as I still get to eat as much food as I like I'm just cutting out a lot of starchy food and white processed floury foods. So no white bread, flour, rice, pasta. No potatoes, crisps, biscuits, chocolate or other sweets and cutting out sugar as much as I can. However I can eat meat, even fatty meat, eggs, cheese, most veggies and some fruit, and a little amount of carbs in the form of wholemeal grains/bread and veg. So I can still have my fave, which is Chicken and veg, just without the potatoes! 

I've done it before and lost nearly a stone, I was 11stone and dropped to just under 10st but the last 6 months I've been eating badly and the weight has crept up again, not by much, but I can see my mummy/baby jelly belly starting to come back! I also have been avoiding exercise. I need to get back in shape if I want to run (not walk or jog, actually wanted to get fit and run) the Race for Life next month too. You can sponsor me for this there is a link in the sidebar of my blog :)

I swear I wrote a post about this not that long ago in my blog, So I didnt stick to it when I planned to do it! Oops I wouldn't be surprised if it was almost identical. 

Nursery and blog laziness

I realise I've been a bit naughty with my blogging of recent. I've not kept anything up to date. My 30 day song challenge has stopped. I won't continue it as It feels like nobody really cares anyway! I have still been doing my 365 project, but uploading the photos and organizing them on here isn't as simple as Facebook so that link needs some big updating, I may link it to my Facebook album. My day zero list is still a work in progress but many of the things I said I would do regularly have also been forgotten. Wow I need to get my act together.

Jared started nursery school last week, its been a big change in our life.

Jared on his first day at 'school'

 The first few days Jared cried his heart out and didn't want to go - of course he was fine once we left and played nicely all morning and didn't want to leave when he was picked up. This week he asked to go as soon as he woke up. Very cute. He tells me all he does is play with trains - typical of Jared! It's been really refreshing to have a few more hours to myself to do little things like go shopping and get some housework done in peace and even catch up with some TV.
I also changed my shifts at work and now do two 8 hour shifts instead of my 16 hours being spread over 3 days, its also nice to only have to work 2 days a week :)


I wish the weather would heat up a bit. I want to do nice things outside with my  family. Take Jared out a bit more, have a picnic on the common and play some football with him. We are both full of cold right now though so even if it was sunny and lovely I don't think we would feel like doing anything!

Bust my buffers

Its appears that I have a son who is a bit train mad. I have known this for a while. I remember first watching Thomas the Tank Engine with him when Nick Jnr used to play the old series' in the morning. I thought oh I must get him more interested in trains. You see my youngest brother Liam is a bit train mad too, and I knew when Liam grows out of his train toys he would most likely give all his train stuff to Jared - Liam still loves his trains, so we haven't inherited the train stuff yet!

Anyway Jared seemed to like the trains, his Grandma started off the habit by getting him some Thomas bath toys. I also had some plastic pull back Thomas trains for him and then I started finding bits of Thomas (Tomy Tomica/Trackmaster) track online and brought a couple of battery powered engines for that track. Which have been added to. I try not to buy too much of this track set as my brother has the biggest collection ever of it, which one day Jared will be able to have.

But nothing compares to Jareds collection of the Take Along/Take N Play diecast trains. Anyone who has been round our house will know that Jared likes to show off his trains, and will have been told who some of them are.

We have quite a lot! We also have a massive Take Along track that was in sale thanks to Grandma and Grandad Brydon! I have also added to this track and brought extra parts for it.

Anyway here is the almighty diecast collection in its glory!

Now not only does he love collecting these trains, but he also seems to think he is a train sometimes. Some funny phrases pop out of his mouth. He likes to pretend that all pavements are railway tracks and is always "changing tracks" and the "signals". Jared loves saying "Bust my buffers" and when his buttons come undone on his jeans he tells me "oh no my couplings" (train connectors for those not train clued up!) 

I love his train madness. Everything can be a train track for him its very cute. As is our Jared :)

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 17/18/19

Well days 17 and 18 are  about music listened to on the radio and well I dont ever listen to the radio. 


So heres day 19 - a song from your favorite album


Well my fave album is prob Kosheen - Resist. But  I have  posted a few songs from that already. So going to post a song from my fave album right now. 

30 Day Song Challenge - day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate

Paolo Nutini - Jenny Don't Be Hasty

30 Day Song Challenge Day 15 - a song that describes you

30 Day Song Challenge Day 15 - a song that describes you

Oh god this was an effort to think of something, when I remembered this song!

Anyone who has ever been out drinking with me will know my reaction to people trying to chat me up or my friends when we dont want to be! I think this song describes my attitude towards those that attempt it!

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 12 - a song that no one would expect you to love

Not really blogged about much except songs recently. Will get back on the blogging soon!