So I'm thinking about how this week has gone. 

I came into work earlier in the week, before I started on Tuesday I broke down completely. I cried walking into town. And I cried when I got to the office. I stayed for an hour, as I got panicked and felt sick and weak.

Yesterday I still didn't feel right. So I stayed home again.

But today I managed to last till the end. Everything went ok. Yes I had a moment or two where I had to step out, take my breath and sort my head out. But I did it. Everyone at work has been supportive, non judgemental and just generally lovely.  

The fear I had with being here is so hard to explain. I feel safe at home and I feel safe with my family and friends, and I want to feel like I did before with work too.

Taking small steps. 

But I do miss naps.


Looking forwards.

I'm currently signed off work, by my doctor, with depression.

I hope to return after the weekend. I've had so much time off, and I really need to face my fears and get back to normal. It's ever so complicated, but I am determined to go back and stay back.

I have some positive things to look forward to, and I hope they keep me going.

 We are going to a friends wedding reception tomorrow night. I'm excited as it is the first wedding we will have attended together without J.

Me and Hubby are staying in a cute b&b, should be a nice weekend. So tonight I could have gone to the pub as we are child free. But I have decided to stay in now and save my energy for tomorrow.

Hopefully we are also off on a mini holiday in August to The Netherlands.

 I also am hoping to return into education after a long time later this year! I need a goal, I need a career I love. I need to do this for me.

Married life is all goood :) It's weird having a new surname, but I smile every-time I have to write it, say it or see it :) Love our family all being the same.


All Change

So this morning I posted about my depression and my unmotivated self, which was inspired by the best one, as she is into her blogging,  but also we had a discussion that I need to focus on something and really do something for myself. Something I want.

I'd been toying with the idea of going back into education so I can get into Social work/Nursing or Midwifery (like I said I don't know exactly what my chosen career path is yet, but its a step in the direction) so I spent all afternoon and early evening looking at local Access to Higher Education courses, I found something suitable and can easily start in time after school drop off too.

Although I have to wait for them to email me back within 3 days, and then there will be more formal and causal interviews to secure a place, I'm feeling determined to do it. I think I need it.

Hubby is fully in support, he has been telling me to do something I want to do for years. Hopefully now I will.

I'm trying to work out what is going on in my head

So after spending an evening at my besties house, I was encouraged to start blogging again.

What about? I've got my Southsea Mum handle that I use on Twitter, and used to blog lots with, but I don't want to just blog about being a mum in Southsea. Life is more than just the fact I'm a mother.

So I'm going to talk about anything I like.

Starting with some issues I currently have. Since last year a few things happened in my life that were, without a doubt, the most upsetting and life changing events ever.

If you know me then you will know that my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and he passed away within a few months of me finding out.

Matt and I were due to get married and my dad started to realise and so did I that he wasn't going to make it.
We talked about moving the wedding, but I didn't want the day to be about my dad, it was our day, and of course it would be amazing if he made it to next year, but I had to face facts that he might not. We decided to leave the wedding date where it was.

So he didn't make it to the wedding. In the months following his death I didn't deal with it very well. I became anxious, run down and depressed. More so that just normal grief, they sometimes call it complicated grief. (I feel that it started as soon as I found out his diagnosis was terminal)

Depression is such a hard thing to explain. I have days when everything is normal and I'm randomly motivated to do normal things, but I have very tricky days, when I can't even explain how I feel, it's not always sadness and crying. It's too tricky to write how I have felt.

I had a big up just before the wedding, so in January I went back to work, feeling positive about the wedding and the plans were starting to come together, I didn't even feel that sad about the fact my dad wouldn't be there. I felt good.

We had an amazing wedding

But I shall save that for another post.

After the wedding I felt ok. A bit full of the adrenaline I think the week after! Then I started to get down again. Started to feel uneasy, started to feel very confused with everything, I think there may be issues there with how I was about my dad not being there, I know it can't be helped and nothing can be changed, but I hate that he wasn't there to see me, wasn't there to walk me down the aisle, wasn't there to see me with my tiara (that he wanted me to wear).

So I'm feeling unmotivated by life again. I'm dreading work too. I feel uneasy going into the office, I feel unmotivated to go to work.

I get up everyday and I take Jared to school. I clean and sort the house a little everyday, but mainly I catch up on sleep. Sleeping at night fully has been robbed from me. Either from my mental state (or more likely my meds)

I'm signed off work currently, and at my next appointment my doctor (last time we spoke was on the phone, so couldn't do it then) wants to see about changing my antidepressants to see if it helps with my mood and sleep.

I still have days when I'm happy of course, and I still enjoy time with my family and close friends. I am dealing with this in my own slow way. Not everyone will understand it.

I have issues with what do I want to do with my life. I don't know what motivates me anymore, I'm not sure I ever did. I feel very lost, and I'm hoping starting to write again might just help me. It's worth a try.

I love Matt and Jared, and my family and friends have been so supportive, work have been supportive too, when I have gone in they have always shown support. I feel bad for letting them all down when it's been busy, I just can't snap out of it or even explain it properly.


Some things that bug me

I felt like having a rant today, about all the things that get on my nerves. You may not agree with the things I say, but this is my opinion. Mostly parenting related irks!

I'm going to start with baby dummies. I hate them. They interfere with breastfeeding, so annoying to see a baby who is being breastfed with a dummy, and then the mum to moan about having trouble feeding - so don't use a dummy? Even worse is kids older than 2/3 still using dummies. I understand that if you use them its your choice, and you have to fight that battle for your child to stop using them one day too, but I personally don't like them and think they look gross!!!

Bottles. Well not bottles exactly - Its about mums that don't try but first I want to talk about formula and breastfeeding - THIS IS ALL IN MY OPINION! Please don't take offence!

 Yes formula feeding saves lives - without it many babies would starve. So in that sense its a wonderful invention - But that's all it is, a recent invention. We have managed to survive since life began without the need for artificial milk. I still appreciate the fact that many mums have health issues (which is why I guess we used to have wet-nurses) so will use formula and that's fine. I totally understand the fact that breastfeeding for some is hard, it can hurt, it is not always as simple as the NCT or attachment parenting articles make it out to be. There are so many things that can effect breastfeeding, and all those issues are totally understandable, and acceptable, formula saves babies from being hungry, and saves a lot of mums from pain.
 In fact I think bottle feeding is harder than breastfeeding, sterilising bottles at all hours, making sure you take milk out with you, etc. I applaud mums who use bottles for those reasons!

Luckily I had it easy, I was very lucky to have a good start with feeding. But I also had such a mindset about how I was going to feed my baby that I didn't even buy bottles or have formula in the house - I had a manual breast-pump someone gave me, which came with some bottles (no teats), but they got left hidden away in a cupboard (until one day I did attempt to manually pump, but got a dribble out after about 10 mins of pumping!)

 Jared was underweight anyway when born (tiny 5lbs 1) and the hospital made me stay in longer than I wanted to he also lost weight after birth, he was also very yellow (Jaundiced). I did worry they would make me use a bottle, but nobody ever mentioned it.
 There was one point where they hooked me up to a machine I can only describe as being like a cows milking pump and all they got was a tiny bit of yellowy liquid out which they said was like gold, and was amazing. I had a few doubts!  I had great midwife's they helped me get it right in hospital and I'm so grateful for that hospital stay now - I hated it at the time, just wanted to be home! Jared eventually put on weight - very slowly. I saw the health visitor and doctor at his 8 week check. I was still breastfeeding - I didn't have his weight checked again professionally in-till he was about 2 year old. I breastfed my son for 10/11 months, he had some solid food from 5 months, and more and more as he got bigger and moved straight onto cows milk at 11 months as he wasn't feeding as much with milk, was eating more solid foods so got all his goodness from food by that stage. (which is still somehow controversial as formula/breast-milk is advised for the first year, and solid food from 6 months, but this is still recent advice). I used a lot of my own judgement when it came to feeding my son.

 I think my experience with easy breastfeeding sometimes clouds my judgement about formula feeding - I'm honest about this though. I enjoyed feeding my son myself. It saved me a lot of money too! I also had no health issues with him in the first few years of his life. I may have deprived myself of any kind of decent sleep pattern and never went out. I fed him in public rarely, but I did it when I had to. I stayed at home a lot for those first 10 months mostly (except for family and friends homes). I cherish that first year. Breastfeeding didn't stop my partner bonding with his son either! - much the same as formula feeding wouldn't have stopped either of us having that "magical" bond you apparently get through breastfeeding. He fed from me and also mostly slept on me for those first few months. I became his food and his dummy! His sleep became an issue because of the feeding! He wouldn't sleep on his own I had to rock him to sleep (or feed him to sleep) each time he woke - and I did till he was a year old then had to do horrible controlled crying, which was the hardest think ever, but it worked!

 But I still stand by the fact that if breastfeeding is making your life a misery then use formula, don't let your baby go hungry or your nipples feel like they are falling off!

My problem is the mums that make no effort to even try and breastfeed. The mums that don't even consider it. The mums that don't want to breastfeed because they think its weird, or think that boobs are sexual and that's it! The mums who think there boobs will be ruined because of feeding (come on you were pregnant they already did a lot of stretching then!) The mums who don't try. The mums who most likely could feed, but just don't even attempt it, the ones who think it will be too much hard work! Come on who wants to make up bottles at all hours of the day, do sterilizing and warming up milk in the middle of the night, when you can just pop them on a boob and its on tap all the time! (yes I know its not that simple, but at least give it a go first, Even if its only for the first few weeks or days!!!)
I also hate seeing toddlers with bottles - especially over a year 1/2 old with juice in a bottle! Use a beaker, a cup and straw, whatever, milk is for bottles not everything else when they are that age!

I know I don't have a baby any more and these particular  issues don't effect me right now, but its how I feel. Its my opinion!

I have another ranty blog to write - But I'll save that for another day!!


The water goes..

I'm having a nice hot bubbly bath this morning to make myself feel better, and in walks Jared

Jared - Is that water dirty?
Me - No.
Jared - Thats good because when it goes down that hole (the overflow hole) it will give the water to other people and come out their taps.
Me - Don't think that's how it works Jared.


Blogging again and Christmas :)

I'm not going to promise to start blogging again. No point I won't stick to it (trying reverse psychology here...haha)

Not blogged for a while and I don't want to start writing about what's happened in life the last year..not a massive amount - except Jared starting school - but I plan to write about that in a post sometime soon. I feel like I need an outlet to write at the moment. So back to the blog.

1st of November, and I've already started my Christmas shopping. I'll be told off for writing about Xmas seeing as its the fianc├ęs birthday in 8 days, I'm not allowed to start my Christmas planning officially till after that! But I started a few months ago organizing the type of gifts I want to give to people. I'm very excited about my ideas. Anyone that follows me on Pinterest will know I've been collecting ideas for a while on Xmas gifts. This is the first year I've really put a lot of thought into gifts - usually I'm quite stuck and get everything from Boots, except for the odd special present for close family and friends.

Today I went to Gunwarf and found some fab bargains in outlet stores. Cath Kidston and Paperchase particularly, 2 shops I adore but think can be a little pricey  so only buy things in the sales. I've also been buying odds and ends from Ebay. Internet shopping beats real shopping for me any-day, only because I hate crowds, if shops could always be empty and without staff asking if I need any help I would be fine - and if shops wouldn't be boiling hot inside when its cold out. I really don't like shopping.

I brought this cute little gift bag today, from Paperchase - So cute. Wish I had some sewing skills so I could make some.



I really really really really want it to snow this weekend.

Jared has been on about snow since before Xmas. He actually thought it wouldn't be Christmas until it snowed. We explained and I think he understands that we don't always have a white Christmas.

I want the snow for me too! I love it.