So I'm thinking about how this week has gone. 

I came into work earlier in the week, before I started on Tuesday I broke down completely. I cried walking into town. And I cried when I got to the office. I stayed for an hour, as I got panicked and felt sick and weak.

Yesterday I still didn't feel right. So I stayed home again.

But today I managed to last till the end. Everything went ok. Yes I had a moment or two where I had to step out, take my breath and sort my head out. But I did it. Everyone at work has been supportive, non judgemental and just generally lovely.  

The fear I had with being here is so hard to explain. I feel safe at home and I feel safe with my family and friends, and I want to feel like I did before with work too.

Taking small steps. 

But I do miss naps.


Looking forwards.

I'm currently signed off work, by my doctor, with depression.

I hope to return after the weekend. I've had so much time off, and I really need to face my fears and get back to normal. It's ever so complicated, but I am determined to go back and stay back.

I have some positive things to look forward to, and I hope they keep me going.

 We are going to a friends wedding reception tomorrow night. I'm excited as it is the first wedding we will have attended together without J.

Me and Hubby are staying in a cute b&b, should be a nice weekend. So tonight I could have gone to the pub as we are child free. But I have decided to stay in now and save my energy for tomorrow.

Hopefully we are also off on a mini holiday in August to The Netherlands.

 I also am hoping to return into education after a long time later this year! I need a goal, I need a career I love. I need to do this for me.

Married life is all goood :) It's weird having a new surname, but I smile every-time I have to write it, say it or see it :) Love our family all being the same.


All Change

So this morning I posted about my depression and my unmotivated self, which was inspired by the best one, as she is into her blogging,  but also we had a discussion that I need to focus on something and really do something for myself. Something I want.

I'd been toying with the idea of going back into education so I can get into Social work/Nursing or Midwifery (like I said I don't know exactly what my chosen career path is yet, but its a step in the direction) so I spent all afternoon and early evening looking at local Access to Higher Education courses, I found something suitable and can easily start in time after school drop off too.

Although I have to wait for them to email me back within 3 days, and then there will be more formal and causal interviews to secure a place, I'm feeling determined to do it. I think I need it.

Hubby is fully in support, he has been telling me to do something I want to do for years. Hopefully now I will.

I'm trying to work out what is going on in my head

So after spending an evening at my besties house, I was encouraged to start blogging again.

What about? I've got my Southsea Mum handle that I use on Twitter, and used to blog lots with, but I don't want to just blog about being a mum in Southsea. Life is more than just the fact I'm a mother.

So I'm going to talk about anything I like.

Starting with some issues I currently have. Since last year a few things happened in my life that were, without a doubt, the most upsetting and life changing events ever.

If you know me then you will know that my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and he passed away within a few months of me finding out.

Matt and I were due to get married and my dad started to realise and so did I that he wasn't going to make it.
We talked about moving the wedding, but I didn't want the day to be about my dad, it was our day, and of course it would be amazing if he made it to next year, but I had to face facts that he might not. We decided to leave the wedding date where it was.

So he didn't make it to the wedding. In the months following his death I didn't deal with it very well. I became anxious, run down and depressed. More so that just normal grief, they sometimes call it complicated grief. (I feel that it started as soon as I found out his diagnosis was terminal)

Depression is such a hard thing to explain. I have days when everything is normal and I'm randomly motivated to do normal things, but I have very tricky days, when I can't even explain how I feel, it's not always sadness and crying. It's too tricky to write how I have felt.

I had a big up just before the wedding, so in January I went back to work, feeling positive about the wedding and the plans were starting to come together, I didn't even feel that sad about the fact my dad wouldn't be there. I felt good.

We had an amazing wedding

But I shall save that for another post.

After the wedding I felt ok. A bit full of the adrenaline I think the week after! Then I started to get down again. Started to feel uneasy, started to feel very confused with everything, I think there may be issues there with how I was about my dad not being there, I know it can't be helped and nothing can be changed, but I hate that he wasn't there to see me, wasn't there to walk me down the aisle, wasn't there to see me with my tiara (that he wanted me to wear).

So I'm feeling unmotivated by life again. I'm dreading work too. I feel uneasy going into the office, I feel unmotivated to go to work.

I get up everyday and I take Jared to school. I clean and sort the house a little everyday, but mainly I catch up on sleep. Sleeping at night fully has been robbed from me. Either from my mental state (or more likely my meds)

I'm signed off work currently, and at my next appointment my doctor (last time we spoke was on the phone, so couldn't do it then) wants to see about changing my antidepressants to see if it helps with my mood and sleep.

I still have days when I'm happy of course, and I still enjoy time with my family and close friends. I am dealing with this in my own slow way. Not everyone will understand it.

I have issues with what do I want to do with my life. I don't know what motivates me anymore, I'm not sure I ever did. I feel very lost, and I'm hoping starting to write again might just help me. It's worth a try.

I love Matt and Jared, and my family and friends have been so supportive, work have been supportive too, when I have gone in they have always shown support. I feel bad for letting them all down when it's been busy, I just can't snap out of it or even explain it properly.